A Quiet Forgiveness
Warning: This article mentions sensitive topics. To feel good we sometimes have to talk about these subjects.
Forgiveness can be so much more than explicitly telling someone “I forgive you”. Here are some examples of how it can be quiet, personal and liberating.
Have you ever wanted to forgive someone dangerous? This does not only mean someone who physically harmed you. It can also mean someone who invites you to feel ashamed of yourself:
An ex-partner
An ex-friend
An ex- co-worker
A neighbor
An inappropriate family member
Someone you can’t even reach physically or through social media because you pushed them away in order to move on
Someone who is not alive anymore
Whoever they are, I believe you. You had very good reasons to hold on to resentment. I’m also sure that at some point doing so has held you back from living life on your terms.
For example, my 14 years in Catholic School were traumatic for me. To this day I have nightmares about it. I know that it might seem embarrassing to hold a grudge for that long, but it is a common mechanism of self-defense. My therapist helped me to recognize that I never got closure from my experience because it involved many different people who I deemed at the time to be too scary to express my feelings to. I assumed that time and physical distance would heal me by themselves. And while they did help, I still felt inadequate and misunderstood in front of big groups of new people.
I decided that I was going to practice my forgiveness quietly. That is not to say that getting apologies in person would be inappropriate. In this case, however, enough time has passed that reaching out seems petty somehow. This is really about my childhood self forgiving their childhood selves. Is that also aligned with me staying closer to my comfort zone? Fair enough. I'd honestly rather save my energy to challenge myself elsewhere. I don’t feel the need to engage with their current selves, who I’m sure are much more evolved. All I need to do is to relive the events in a safe space, and then assign new meaning to what happened. After all, I already know that hurt people hurt people. That is why forgiveness starts with yourself.
Forgiveness is not something you do once and it’s done. Gabby Berstein, the multiple New York Times bestselling author, sober alcoholic and childhood sexual assault survivor, defines forgiveness as “a constant releasing of resistance”. The best advice I can give about this is:
Listen with compassion when resentment comes up. That anger is telling you where your boundaries were crossed and what your unmet needs were and are. You are so wise!
Be willing to send forgiveness to yourself and the people involved as many times as it is needed for you to feel good. I promise that every time you do, you’ll be able to dig a little deeper toward the root cause of the issue. If you try to control the timeline, you’ll just end up frustrated. Surrender.
Practice this powerful Hawaiian prayer, the Ho'oponopono: “I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.” If you are not ready to get to that level, that’s okay. Are you willing to see the situation through a different light? Celebrate that.
I’ll leave you with my version – I hope it helps you on your journey:
