What's "the work" in therapy?
One of the biggest misconceptions about therapy is that all you need to do is to show up. While that is indeed a brave act, it’s only one step in the right direction. Stan Lee was right. It turns out that with the great power of freeing yourself comes personal responsibility. We understand this by “doing the work” – with or without a therapist – and it isn’t easy, so here’s some advice to help you on your journey.
WHAT IS “DOING THE WORK” EXACTLY? CAUSE I ALREADY HAVE TWO JOBS...
Doing the work is the true point of therapy: achieving personal growth. It consists of any of the actions you need to take to change for the better. For example, depending on the style of therapy, you may be asked to do homework between sessions. This kind of “work” is an effective way to apply and reinforce the lessons being learned, but it is usually not enough to foster significant change.
Dr. Courtney Tracy (aka @the.truth.doctor) says that it often takes repeating the same mistakes over and over again before we change a behavior. This requires kind commitment from you. In his 2020 book Feeling Great, Dr. David Burns talks about how important it is to see the treatment through in order to see results. Sometimes it takes a long time to heal even if you’re making great advancements. The best advice I can give? Don’t set a time limit on the process. Telling yourself that “you should be over it by now” is not only unkind, it’s unhelpful.
Tips:
Set loving goals with your therapist, but keep in mind that there’s no end point of personal growth.
When feeling frustrated, inspire yourself with nature, where you will find countless examples of resiliency and regular ebb and flow.
Set yourself up for success by defining your work in a way that is obvious, attractive, easy and satisfying, as James Clear outlines as the rule of behavior change in his book Atomic Habits.
DEFINING IT
Doing the work is both a universal and individual practice, and that’s backed up by science. Personal growth is something that we should all pursue in order to live in the present moment, not the past (depression) or the future (anxiety). Even if most of us don’t quite know how to do this yet, at least we are not alone in the struggle!
On the other hand, the way that works for you (style of therapy, self-help book, mindful discipline, etc.) and “your work” are as unique as you are. Dr. Nicole Lapera, author of How to Do the Work, talks about our common physical, emotional and spiritual needs, and that the way to fulfill them varies from person to person. In her words, “We all want to be free, but my freedom looks different from yours.”
Tips
If you notice that you’re comparing your personal journey to someone else’s and feeling like you’re not enough, take deep breaths. Hold your heart and give yourself permission to take the time and space you need. If you can do this, clarity is around the corner.
PRACTICING IT
As the wise ogre Shrek puts it, we are all onions with many layers. Speaking or reading about doing the work can only peel back some of those layers, but science gives us hope in this area! In his book Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, neuroscientist Joe Dispenza describes “the brain’s ability to rewire and create new circuits at any age (neuroplasticity) as a result of input from the environment and our conscious intentions.” At the same time, “nerve cells that no longer fire together, no longer wire together.” So that’s why I’ve forgotten all the math, physics and chemistry formulas I learned in school!
Tip:
Think about a time when you didn’t think you would survive. Now, recognize that you are here today, so you are much stronger than you thought. Remind yourself that hope is not foolish. It is within your reach to heal yourself.
I can’t overstate how important it is to be patient and kind to yourself and to remember that it is not your fault that the work is hard. Society programs people to be shy about “their work” for fear of being perceived as weak or put in a vulnerable position.
Keeping that in mind, I’ll leave you with my personal mantra for “doing the work”:
I will think what I need to think
I will feel what I need to feel
I will say what I need to say
I will be who I need to be
In order to heal through unconditional love for my highest personal and collective good.
I am worthy of my own kind of liberation.
